I know I’m not society’s “ideal woman”. I don’t simultaneously have good boobs and virtually no body fat. I don’t “like to eat” but have washboard abs at the same time. That’s just not, and never will be, me.
As I’ve said before on this blog, I’m a jealous person. It’s not something I like to admit, and I like it even less to possess such trait, but I think a lot of the reason I dislike my body at times comes down to my preoccupation with comparisons. X person looks soooo good on their Instagram, I wish I looked like them, is something I hear myself thinking whenever I’m scrolling through social media. Instead of realising that, just like me, these people have their hang ups and their insecurities, I’m quick to pick up on their perfection and tear myself down.
Of course, amongst those days I feel like crying after something doesn’t fit right or a night is ruined because I didn’t look as good as X or I didn’t grab a guys attention like X, I’ve realised a few things. Yes, my body doesn’t look like a lot of people’s. My head is a different size because I have hydrocephalus, but I’m thankful to be where I am despite this disability, and I think having something different about you just makes you even more interesting.
I’m not a size 6/8/10, or whatever society deems the “acceptable” size for now, and that’s ok. I like food too much to power through fad diets and, honestly, this year I’ve looked at myself in the mirror multiple times and thought you know what? I’m ok. I get preoccupied with being beautiful so “guys fancy me” but, really, I know I need to look past that and think that someone should be with me because they like me, not just what they see in the mirror or on the other side of the dinner table. Also, I think a lot of people (myself included), need to realise you can be and feel beautiful for you.
My journey to body positivity, like everyone’s, isn’t easy. There will still be days I wish the person who looked back at me in the mirror was different. There will be days I won’t feel comfortable. There will also be days that I’ll feel good, I’ll feel comfortable, I’ll feel sexy even. I think, for now, instead of turning events and memories into hating how I looked that day, I’m just going to treasure the moments and the people who make them. My body is just part of who I am and I’m learning how to love it, day by day.